gotcha

alrights....
i went to watch a movie with a friend of mine
lol...
we watched...
wait for it
[drum roll]
wedding game...
honestly
i didnt expect a really good movie
but
after watching it
i was like
niccceeeeeeee
all in all it was pretty hilarious
yea
but before that
i got to know a new 'game'
the stock market
virtual
they use the real time stocks
but give each account 50000 virtual cash
no money needed
nth
so i just tried lor
then i used all my cash immediately
dumb move...
seriously...
all biz students should know...
but i guess if some people are high risk takers
i belong to the extreme risk takers
lmao...
oh wells
but on the way home...
i was bored stiff
and to show you how bored i was
here's what i did
i spoke to myself?!
lol
not out loud obviously...
but if you were there looking at me
it'll be pretty funny
all the facial expressions
lol...
but while thinking
i guess
i realised life's a choice...
and to make it more detailed
its actually yes or no only
there's nothing else...
let me explain
for example you are taking O's tmr
Do you want to study for it? Y / N
on the day itself
Do you choose to panic? Y / N
simple aint it??
if that analogy itsnt enough to put my point across
you could always leave a comment/tag
or sms/call me
oh wells...
i guess this is it fer the dae...
ciaos~~
abrupt aint it??
lmao...

weird

actually wanted to blog yesterday...
but was made to sleep...
sian-ed
so i decided to blog in sch instead

yesterday i heard the most amusing thing of the day...
i overheard a conversation between two JC guys...
they were like talking about chem and physics...
and im like wondering
well most poly peeps talk about where to go later
what to eat...
so on so forth
but they are like so what to study
and its CNY havent they heard of 'relac one corner'
so it might not be holidays
but still dudess
its still a festive season
go out and chill
party or smth
but study?!
oh wells different culture i suppose

and im bored stiff here
wanted to watch a movie
on my computer
but apparently i dont have a earpiece
so i cant listen to the movie
so i ended up playing my games...
without my mouse
which i also forgot to bring...
such a big hassle...
ah wells
life still goes on...
sometimes i really wonder
what happens if computers werent invented...
what would life be like then??
it'll seem pretty boring to me...
the guys who invented computers and air-cons are da best
...
nvm getting abit the random...
oh wells
for now
ciao~~

Happy CNY

ok...so its kinda the second day of CNY...
oh wells...
anyways i just realised that i have views!!
...
ok nvm...
it was just very amusing for me...
i expected a dead blog...
but apparently some people read...
oh wells...
leave a msg or smth when you next come by
and all my 23 mangas im reading have no updates...
like hello~~
23!!!
not even one update?!?!
rawr...
oh wells...
gona watch my huge collection of movies instead then...
and please...
if you have facebook add me
im just looking for more people recruit...
hahas
gaming...
CNY was ok today
went over to granny's hse at like what 7+pm
cuz dad had ta go meeting with US peeps
oh wells...
but we watch my cuz play fatal frame 2
which he was really afraid of playing...
but he was 'forced' ta anyways
in a sense
cuz another cuz of mine wanted to watch
so he cant really say no now can he...
:P
for about 3 hours we watched my cuz play
different games obviously
but nothing really interesting happened today...
other than 'ang baos'
CNY is pretty much based on MahJong aint it...
hahas
anyone up for a game or two??
go viwawa or smth
or look me up
if im free i wouldnt mind
sorry to my sec 4 mates
im kinda busy later today
can go play MJ
really want to
but goin visiting with my parents
more 'ang baos'
lmao
money-faced
:P
oh wells

done and over

well im all over it
had a big cry over this issue
in front of them...
hugged and well lets just say its all over now...
but still a few unanswered questions
course change confirmed
nt by sch bt by me
wakakakakakakaka
well...
mum approves
i approve
teacher checking for me
what's there to stop it?
all there's left is well to write in and request it
and well do well for it after the transfer
pinky promised it

cell

felt more relaxed after cell today i guess
alittle more 'unhurt'
but oh wells
the pain will slowly go away i guess
but i still wish i could just quit sch for a year
want the time to think and well slowly recover
too affected to continue
a change would be nice
but well im too used to my life as it was
now im living in the middle
slowly plodding onward to the other side
the older side??
maybe
i guess
i cant stay the same anymore
things are now different
very different
too different
i cant brush it off anymore
i cant pretend it's still the same
i must move on i guess
otherwise i'll just rot and die like a useless person
i wouldnt want that...
oh wells just gotta busy myself till the blow is softened i guess
MOB time...then IDEAS
then well see how things go from there...
maybe start writing again...
been on my mind for quite awhile now...
but was too gloomy to write properly
CRS today was an argumentitive essay
just the intro
and conclusion
the body was in points form
was the first to be let off
cuz i was working alone
and i had two sides in me then
the irrational and the rational
the rational was for the statement
the irrational was against
obviously the rational side won
but at least the irrational side managed to get two arguements in
but i personally approved only one...
and whats more this point was given to me by my bro
stem cell research
i dont wana disgust you with the details
but if you wana ask me
or search online
or if you know him ask him
but just be prepared...
cuz this even goes against the morals of my irrational sadistic side
want to talk to them today
but they werent free ATM
but oh wells...
tmr or smth then...
for now they are spared...
muahahahahahahahahahaha
i guess my chirpy and cheery side is back again
:P:P:P:P:P:P
no more worries
no more cries
they are all in the past now...
thanks to those who help
namely them and noodles
these three helped alot
but i still got a question needed to be answered
the only person that can answer it is well...
myself
what do i strive for??
oh wells
for now ciao~~

pain

i felt this before
but not in a long time
my heart aches
literally
like there's something there
grasping it
not letting go
help
it hurts so much
its like my body's not mine anymore
get it out of me
so angry
rage
wrath
feel like tearing things apart
feel like letting myself just go loose
sometimes not knowing pain is better
pain's slowly going
i hope it leaves
instead of this naggy feeling im getting
if i snap at you...
please understand
my emotions are raging right now
cant really handle them all
so if im alittle more short tempered
alittle more unhappy please do understand

will i smile again
will i laugh again
with them??
can i??
it wont be the same anymore
not by a long shot...

lost

im at a loss of words...
i guess there's a first for everything...
quite lost now
dont feel like doing anything
i could leave right??
i could just pull out of sch
but my classmates would probably hate me
just gona finish my PW
then well
i guess anyhow do the EOYs
then transfer out lor
i hope after CNY i'll feel better
my bro's gona leave this sun
sad aint it??
just before CNY...
life wont be the same anymore
oh wells
i'll adapt i guess
everyone changes
i suppose this is my cue to

random

life's like a war
each step is like a battle
but for what do i fight for??
for what do i step forth??
the battle field's too noisy
cant think
gotta hide away
think
for what
a meaningless war is pointless
hate doing pointless stuff
gotta find a meaning then...
hopefully soon
oh wells...
ciao~

clear??

well...
just spoke to my 'bro'
clarified things up
i guess
feel much better now
but still have alot to figure out
need ta do this alone tho
doubt anyone can help
oh wells
gona do some of my PW first
then my stories
maybe i'll find it
hopefully soon...
ciao~

disintegrating

is anyone there??
i feel my sanity is going
not broken
not shattered
but disintegrating
never to come back
forcing myself forward
but without meaning
whats the point
sometimes i just wana be alone
hidden away
perhaps for eternity
at least i wont be hurt anymore
being alone isnt scary
being hurt is
can anyone out there help??
can you??
is there anyone to help me??
piece by piece i fall apart
how long will my sanity stay
but i need to keep up impressions
no one can see through my mask
no one shall
trust no one
every time i trust
something happens
does crying help??
no
does asking help??
no
what can i do??
who can i fall back on??
im was there for her
but no one's got my back
if i fall i'll break
but does anyone care??
does anyone know??
they mustnt
no one can
no one shall
slowly my sanity whittles away
how long can i hold it??
how long will it stay??
can i ever pull it together again??
should i??
so many questions
im backed to a corner
surrounded
so many problems
cant run
cant hide
can i use my last resort??
should i??
sometimes to forget is such a beautiful thing
should i??
forget the two friends that i trust most
should i??
once i forget than the pain is gone
but if i do then so's all happiness
what should i do??
what can i do??
staying in the corner
thinking
slowly...
i want to leave this closet of mine
but every time i try
i get hurt
i guess the safest place
is still my closet
to hole myself up
trust no one
believe no one
such is my way of life now
frozen is all emotions
shattered is all dreams
heart of ice
never to warm up again
i feel like there's something eating away in me
slowly draining me
slowly killing me
can anyone help??
can you??
but will you??
should you??
so many questions i want to ask
but THEY are happy
should i be glad
or should i be jealous??
my best of friends
together
should i be happy??
should i not??
torn between feelings
i wana tear THEM apart
but i cant bear to
i wana be glad for THEM
but i cant bring myself to
a mask is helpful
it always is
hidden behind my mask
a smiling mask
i will smile and laugh
but i can never find happiness
can you bring me there again??
can someone cut my feelings out??
can someone cut my emotions out??
if you can please do
i cant take it anymore
balancing on a thread...
one side's insanity
one side's death
where will i fall??
or will i make it to the light??
that small speck of hope
it seems so far...
and it's so pain to continue moving
it hurts every step i take
and now it hurts too much to take another
should i continue??
or can someone help me make a choice??
insanity or death??
help me
someone
anyone
but can you??
should you??
is anyone there??
i feel my sanity going
not broken
not shattered
but disintegrating
never to come back

MOB

arghh
MOB PW sux
the textbook - useless
the online lectures - useless
the tutorial notes - useless
how to do la...
anyhow squeeze lor
sianed
looking at the class now
everyone's chionging PW
laptop
notes all out
so crazy
so tense??
but i dont feel it
i found out smth different about my grp
it's more relaxed
but just as efficient
but oh wells
still have IDEAs and ITAB PW
liddat GG liao lor
haix
heng i gona confirm my course change
but if nvr approve den i truly GG liao lor
how leh
chiong PW la
at least when i leave dun drag down others lor

wonder if anyone still reads my blog...
duno dun care
just type to relieve stress
keep myself sane
hahas....
da di dum
MOB liao
chiong lor

haha

forth post of the day...
at least if i post it before midnite
well i just played wahjong
and big 2.5
well feel rather relaxed already
feel alot better

just signed in to say
well i kinda managed to get over
THEM
but well best wishes
especially when it's gona become long distance
ahhh...
i feel lighter
:P
but still a few regrets here and there
but oh wells
whats done is done
time cant reverse
time wait for no man
so well
will it wait for women??
hahas
sorry just bored
seriously bored
need ta sleep now...
ciao~

nothing left

third post in a day...
so much thoughts in me
can i think straight??

just went ta meet THEM
they said they wanted to talk
well
just went along lor
i wonder...
do they know??
do they realise??
which part was true??
which part was a mask??
was it totally true??
was it totally false??
the scariest lie is half-truths
it may sound true but it isnt
can anyone see through it??
can anyone uncover it??
i wonder
can they
as the people who supposedly know me best
see through my mask
uncover my mask
can they??
can anyone??
im not perfect
someone should be able to
but till then
no one has
no one can

anyone afraid of the dark??
not me
i welcome it
i love it
i hide in it
can being innocent help anyone??
or can darkness help more??
i wonder...

this mask
too long
can anyone uncover it for me??
im so used to it that even i
forgot my true personality
or has it become my personality
being able to adapt fast
being able to change
is it good??
is it bad??
well
THEY dont seem to believe
THEY dont believe i can change
THEY dont know my scary part
THEY dont really know me
does anyone??
sometimes people i dont know
know me better than my friends
they can see through me
but my friends have be blinded
is this good??
is this bad??
do THEY expect to see me crying??
do THEY expect to see me sad??
do THEY expect to see my hidden face??
i wonder
my emotions are very well in place
they never show
not to any human
this wont change
no matter to whom
ever watched V for Vendetta??
i have a mask like that
one that smiles forever
and i wear it forever
can anyone see through the lie??
the lie that has been there since 7??
the lie that has been forgotten??
the lie that has never been uncovered??
i wonder
can you??
can THEY??
i doubt it
even if they see this
they will never know
when was i true
when was i masked
gone are the days of true happiness
gone are the days of emotions
i am now hidden forever

i wanna pull out of school...
for a year or so
to calm down
to think
to just lie there
not moving
but i cant
cuz no one can know about this
no one can realise this false mask
there is no choice for me
i must follow
i must continue
i must go forward
i must tear myself away
i must let go
i must forget

must i??
i dont want to
so many good times were spent with them
so many
uncountable
but they link to sad ones
to forget the sad
i must forget the good
do i have a choice??
i wonder

am i going insane??
the blow seemed alittle more
alittle more than my control
typing seems to help
cycling seems to help
but not enough
i just feel like smashing something someone
can i hold myself back??
can i suppress myself??
must i??
i know i can just let loose
all my anger
all my rage
but i mustnt
no one must know
no one can know
hidden are these feelings
hidden are these thought

the cruelty of the world is hidden
such is the illusion of reality
such is the darkness of reality

tainted reality
can truth survive??
can innocence survie??
or will they conform??
will they change??
will they adapt??
will they become like me??
a mask that hides the face forever
or will they remain true??
a person who stands out
a person who challenges change
a person who challenges the world
can you??
or will you succumb
to the darkness of the world??
i wonder...

done for

wanted to write again but...
i was thinking
and chose not to
cuz it'll end up sad anyways...
no mood too
ah wells
needed to pass time so well
within a few mins
the worst news had been confirmed
and well
i have nothing to say at all
cant say it surprised me
cant say it didnt
i had such feelings before
i thought it was my imagination
apparently it wasnt
being a very observant person
i kinda felt it ever since we started going out
i just couldnt stop it i guess
what had to happen happened
so well nothing to remember
nothing to reminiscence
i found out from a book
a way to programme you mind
to force yourself to forget
image the memory as a picture
imagine yourself burning it
i wonder if it works??
well i could try it out
but not yet...
too many things still remind me of them
must forget those memories
must remove those items
soon
soon
i hope
i can only hope
one day they will be forgotten
one whom i knew all my life
and the other who stayed by me for nearly four years
one day even they can be forgotten
and force myself i will
one day
one day
tears hardly suface these days for me
is it because i expected this??
is it because i finished them in sec sch??
is it because i hate them??
if i cry will it help??
doubt it
even if i cried my eyes blind
my throat hoarse
my heart burnt
i doubt it
but enough
pondering on memories such as these are pointless
they will be forgotten
they will be removed
impossible you say
well i beg to differ
first step complete
second step underway
when it reaches the final step i will forget them
i will move on
till then i can only hope
slowly...
step by step
i can scale any mountain
step by step
i can walk any distance
step by step
anything can be done
i will tear down the obstacles
i will cut down all foe
anyone in my way
shall perish
that is my move
that is my decision
never look back
never retreat
forever forward
forever victorious
i will not stand down
i will not back off
headstrong is my attribute
stubborness is my way
no one can stop me
nothing can block me

done

went cycling
left at 11-12
came back at bout 3-4
went to pasir ris
to tamp
then to tanah merah
onward to eunos
took longer than expected...
but feel so much better now
was think while cycling
i realised that being happy was but a choice
so i chose to be happy
what happened has happened
nothing can change that
only the perspective can be changed
if they want to be together...
they can have my blessings

ever heard of a love triangle??
what normally happens is that all three are hurt right??
but what if one takes all the pain onto himself??
will it work out??
i wonder
worry not
my abilty to not die or become depressed is rather strong
impossible possibly
my pain will show to no one
a mask will cover all emotion
eyes are said to be the windows to life
but what if i can even close these windows??
can anyone ever find out the truth??
emotions are meaningless
pull away from them
but no one will
i wonder why
oh wells
still got a long day ahead of me...
how can i spend time??
what shall i do??

gone

i wanted to write a story today...
had a beatiful plot...
and fantasy story...
could have written it...
but oh wells...

recieved bad news two days back....
stumbled on worse news today...
sad aint it....
oh wells...
i guess when this kinda things happen...
all i need to do is just...
leave it all behind...
move on...
tear away all uneeded emotions...
will take awhile...
wont be online or blogging anytime soon...
rather be left in solitude...
i'll get over it...
just not so soon...

blood raging...
emotions soaring...
adrenaline pumping...
hate building...
slowly all these will disappear...

whats the point of being happy when everthing is just a farce...
whats the point of happiness when it make you know sadness...
whats the point of being elated when they still leave...

now everyone shall just see a front...
a false front...
a decpetion...
all the falsehoods will be hidden...
hidden so intricately behind more deceptions...
what is truth and what is lies???
will anyone know???
will anyone find out???
whoever finds out has to be a genius...
or the creator of this monstrous being...
the being of deception
the being of falsehoods
the being of lies
who will know???
ever so vigilant...
ever so careful...
will this being be found??
is it you??
is it me??
is it her??
who is it??
maybe it is not a person...
maybe it is many...
is it that group??
is it that cult??
is it that goverment??
who can it be??
is it hiding amongst the obvious??
is it hidden so deep within the depths of darkness??
who know??
i wonder...
can you figure it out??
such is the illusion of reality...
and such is the world...
everyone hides things..
everyone lies..
when do they lie??
and when do they not??
who can figure everyone out??
which genius has seen the truth??
which fool has fell to the darkness??
who defines such people??
self-proclaimers are liars
white lies are harmless...
how sure are you about that??
lies are still lies...
how can anyone not lie??
is it possible??
i wonder...
darkness reside in everyone...
collegues backstab
friends crush
familes devour
internal strife is so much scarier than an external foe
what can anyone do to stop this...
this downward spiral of the world...
can anyone stop it??
can anyone put an end to it??
not that i know of...
not yet so far...
such is the insanity of the world...
who defines sanity??
can you??
or are you conforming to the world's idea of sanity??
who say the insane are truly insane??
who says the sane are sane??
who knows??
a sane man could be insane
an insane man could be sane
am i sane??
the world says i am
but i dont feel that way
thoughts clogging up my mind
questions fill up my thoughts
so confused
so annoyed
is the world coming to an end
i hope so
at least then emotions will be no more
saddness causes hate
hate leads to vengence
vengence brings sadness
the neverending cycle
can anyone stop it before it worsens??
impossible...
will a mircle happen??
will my hate go away??
will my saddness disappear??
i doubt it...
it will however be suppressed...
along with many other memories...
many other experiences
many other feelings
many other emotions...
hidden away it will be
surface again it might
but who will know
when
how
where
other than myself no one else will know
everything shall be locked up
everything shall be hidden
everything shall be covered
can you see through my mask??
no one has
no one ever did
not for ten years...
no one can
no one will
is a smiling face always happy
is a laughing face truly happy
have you all been decieved??
who has and who hasnt??
am i always happy??
am i always laughing??
is it real??
or am i just entertaining you??
i wonder...
people come people go
who can remember every single person who cried??
who can remember every single mind that was lost??
who can remember every single pain of the world??
no one can
no one will
neither would many of us be remembered
along with the years everyone will be forgotten
can anyone remember the names of your ancestors??
who bothers??
who cares??
do you??
do you bother only about yourself??
or do you truly bother about those around you??
or are those a farce too??
who will know??
i wonder..
who can confirm everything that was supposedly the truth??
who can confirm everything that was supposedly lies??
who can??
who will??
lies can be spun to cover for other lies...
if we all lied just once a day
how many times you have lied by now??
remember you would need another lie to cover up for the previous one...
the endless number of possible lies...
can you see through them??
am i fine??
i wonder
am i sane??
i wonder
will anyone know??
will anyone find out??
will anyone even bother??
who knows??
who cares??
the world has billions of people
will anyone remember but one insignificant nameless person??
the many that are dying everyday
who remembers their names??
who remembers them??
no one but their family
and soon after years
no one at all
are you indisposible??
impossible
people come people go
its the same for you
its the same for me
its the same for everyone
end.

beautiful story??
sad memories??
these were just mere thoughts of mine
can you feel what im feeling now??
can you understand the pain im in??
can ou even comprehend my situation??
i wonder
how would you feel being torn apart by your only two best friends
how would you react
how can you react
you may choose one
but what if they both chose the other over you??
you will be thrown aside
discarded like a worthless item
do you have a choice??
leaving is but the only road left
torn apart and discarded

emotions... discarded
memories... discarded
thoughts... discarded
change... instilled
update... complete
thats the first few steps...
calming my self down...
hopefully THEY dont bother me anymore...
goodbye to THEM
there were good times
there were bad times...
but that was unacceptable...

course switch

finally!!! my mum has approved of me transferring...
so im now looking around see wad course im actually interested in...
need ta do SAA and check out lor...
all the transfer stuffs...sian-ed
lazy do but no choice...
wana transfer must do all the procedures...
oh wellss....
most likely is tranfer to DDM
Diploma in Digital Media...
where i can finally learn to programme adobe...
maybe JAVA...
duno learn all best...
den can use mah...
nah...thinking too much into it liaoz...
l8r dun have den i GG liao lo...
but oh wells...
at least i might survive there...
no insult to DAC peeps but just i getting a little bored liao...
DAC 10 still rocks...
its just the modules alittle the sian...
gona choing finals den have chance to change course...
first need ta defer the NS thing...
oh wells...
see how lor...
if unlucky den i no choice go NS first den come back Poly...
if heng den is Poly aft tat NS...
up to MINDEF to approve or disapprove my deferment liao lor
what do i do now??
its 1am but still not sleepy leh...
oh wells....
CRS presentation wed...
guess i'll have to drag my grp down into hell with me...
muahahahahahahaha
but aft tat they will glimpse heaven when their marks are out
PS Alan...your info nt in yet...
PS Wilfrid...why nvr come on wed??
im gona murder both of them!!!
watch out in sch tmr :p
you'll see whats gona happen
new year's was boring this year...
normally i'd be wif my frens at marina watching fireworks...
but then dis year i rotted at YCK at my dad's fren place...
boringgggg...
until i found entertainment in the form of a PS3!!!
ROCK BAND rules...
guitar was fine for me...
drums were impossible...
well...i guess im nt suited to be a musician anyways...
been awhile since i did stories...well...
maybe i'll start again sometime soon...
hopefully...